wednesday 22 august 2007
09:43 pm

i can't believe that in just over 24 hours, i'm going to have to say goodbye to him.

i am completely and totally heartbroken.
public. 5 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
tuesday 14 august 2007
10:56 pm

i have almost all the special going-away stuff for him ready to go. there's just one more thing i need to do to finish up. everyone please keep your fingers crossed that i get to spend that one last special evening with him before he goes away and give him his presents. please. i'm so worried it won't happen and if it doesn't, i will be totally crushed.
public. 1 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
sunday 22 july 2007
09:49 pm · i'm feeling so left out right now.

...am i the only person who doesn't really care about harry potter?
public. 8 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
monday 16 july 2007
11:14 am

this weekend has just been more stress than i'm able to handle. as a result, i'm feeling really sick.

why do i do this to myself?
public. you're beautiful & stuff like that
monday 18 june 2007
08:41 pm · queen of desire.

...ever just want something so much you became convinced you might be able to have it, that you deserved it, because you just knew somehow that out of all the human beings on this earth, your blood was pumping the hardest, your heart was swelling the largest, your sweat had the prettiest sheen against your skin, and your work was the most diligent?

well, ladies and gentlemen, once again, i am reminded that that is not how it works. that one can devour a situation with all kinds of passion; that one can fill oceans full of the salt of blood, sweat, and tears, only to find oneself drowning, flopping luridly up to shore like a hooked fish.

you can give it all you've got and still get nothing out of it -- it's one of the most wicked, painful experiences of life. worst of all, you can't give up...you can't ever succumb to the pain, or you remain on the plateau. and really, once you've experienced the rewards your heart is bound to encounter at one time or another during these passionate exchanges, you can't imagine sitting safely on the plateau.

at least, i can't.
public. 5 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
thursday 14 june 2007
12:22 pm

i need to update, i know. i feel like i don't have any time these days. it's strange.

...soon, i swear.
public. 2 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
monday 04 june 2007
08:26 pm · let me sculpt your body out of clay.

i get tired sometimes...

and i am tired, now.

i'm a good friend. i think i'm a good person in general. i spend a significant amount
of time on myself and on self-awareness and introversion and my own personal thoughts and ideas, and while some people may find that to be egotistical or self-indulgent, i really don't think one can get anywhere without it. i feel that it's the amount of time i've spent on myself that has given me the strength and ability to be so open with my emotions and with who i am, and to be so very willing to give of myself. i don't claim to be perfect. i don't claim to have all the answers. i fuck up just as much as the next person, but i feel like i do a hell of a lot more with those fuck ups than most others do. honestly, does it really matter that you fucked up so long as you take something away from it? if mistakes are inevitable, i can't see why we're not thinking more about the benefits reaped from the lessons learned, and less about the retributions and the pain they cause.

i have spent nearly all of my life trying to accept the fact that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. that it's okay to hurt sometimes, and that it's okay to do silly, stupid, inanely neurotic things sometimes, because we're all these crazy lumps of unformed clay, shaped by the hands of the world we live in. not one of us is an iconoclast statue; not one of us has burst through that image of perfection --and it's all too often we forget that, particularly when we look at one another and speak to one another and attempt to forge connections with one another. it's difficult to relate when we look at someone else and we don't see even a glimmer of the same thing.

not too terribly long ago, i was sitting outside in a backyard with someone i had really grown to like, and i started telling him about all the things in the world that i felt could be mended if only people communicated a little more. as time went on, it seemed that we were two ships sailing, and that every time his vessel came up alongside mine, something would change in him and he would steer quickly away. but then, it seemed, as he'd watch me from afar, he would steer his course toward me again, only to navigate away the minute he felt he'd gotten too close. he'd flicker and he'd fade, and it got under my skin so terribly, because i knew what he had inside him and what he could be, if only he'd stop running away. the little flame i'd gotten to burn for him is still buried there, like a festering splinter, like a bloodthirsty tick, like the apple in gregor samsa's back in kafka's metamorphosis. and yes, it bothers me from time to time, because there's not much i can do.

i want to be a revolutionary. i want to be a savior. i want someone to come to me and tell me how i helped change their lives. i know i'm not wonder woman, and i know i can't change anyone, but i want to say things that provoke thoughts and feelings and ideas, and while it would be nice if he did give in and let himself fall for me, all i really want is for him to be comfortable in his own boat next to anyone. he doesn't have to be sailing with me.

i want that for everyone, really. i don't know why it is that we're all so guarded and why our hands tremble so at the thought of touching anyone emotionally or metaphysically. and i don't know why we all shirk away in fear when we see such vulnerability displayed to us by others. the greatest gift a person can give is themselves.

as i said, i grow tired sometimes. i grow tired of feeling like i'm wandering through a world of people with reservations; a generation of individuals who talk about celebrity romances and reality tv shows instead of getting to know one another for who they really are, primarily because THEY don't know who they really are. i grow tired of endlessly reaching out for a hand -- my joints get stiff, my fingers get restless, my heart grows heavy.

when one gets tired, though, they rest. they don't stop. and even if i only touch one person briefly, every minute of my reaching will have been worth it.
public. 6 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
tuesday 29 may 2007
10:13 pm

so, i lied about the update. i'm way too tired. going to have to be tomorrow.
public. 4 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
08:20 pm

i need to update this thing.

but if i don't get off my ass, i'm not going to be exercising. so....off to the elliptical i go. back in an hour with an update.
public. you're beautiful & stuff like that
tuesday 15 may 2007
09:08 pm · thanks for sending me this, david.

for all you gilmore girls fans -- 7 things we'll miss about 'gilmore girls'.
public. you're beautiful & stuff like that
monday 07 may 2007
09:27 pm

i give up. i surrender. i don't know what i'm surrendering to, or for, but i feel like there's this stupid little stalwart part of my heart and soul that just never sits down and never shuts up, no matter how much i want it to. it brings me false hope. it's like a telescope, with some intergalactic factory crafting miracles out of thin air -- nothing but supernova after supernova exploding into my vision and fading before i ever get the chance to comprehend any of it.

it sucks.
public. 1 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
saturday 05 may 2007
10:19 pm

ugh....someone make this weekend end. it blows. too much crying has occurred. :(
public. 1 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
wednesday 25 april 2007
10:15 pm

i know i never update anymore. i suck. blah.
public. 1 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
friday 20 april 2007
08:53 am · rollercoaster.

i need to update this thing soon.

....probably when i get home. at work right now, so it's difficult. but yes. rollercoaster is the only way to describe my life right now.

i'll elaborate later.
public. you're beautiful & stuff like that
friday 13 april 2007
08:31 pm

i am so fucking sick. i think i'm going to stay in bed all weekend.
public. you're beautiful & stuff like that
saturday 07 april 2007
09:58 am · oh, and

it's official. i'm going to baltimore the first week in july! (i just need to book the flight/hotel, which will happen by the end of the month, provided i don't end up having to move -- i absolutely don't have the money right now.)
public. 1 · you're beautiful & stuff like that
01:27 am

i was going to do all these chores tonight, but i put in 1 load of laundry, and fell asleep at 9 pm, only to wake up now.

i feel like shit. and i've had a terrible night. i kept having dreams he was touching me, touching my face, embracing me. i'm cold and alone right now, and the inside of me aches.
public. you're beautiful & stuff like that
thursday 05 april 2007
08:49 pm · pointless, dumb, and catty, i'm sure.

from someone's myspace profile:

"About me: I dont know what to say about me other than I love my life, I love my friends, and I love my dog! I hate fake people. I hate stupidity. I love Jessica Simpson!"

what COMPLETELY pertinent info you're providing to the cyberworld. putting jessica simpson as one of your great loves....right up there with your life, friends, and dog. after stating you hate fake people and stupidity -- both traits i feel jessica simpson exhibits in the public eye.

also, 'run wild' by new order on the 'get ready' album is so very different than most of the other songs. i like it nonetheless.
public. you're beautiful & stuff like that
tuesday 03 april 2007
08:39 pm

wi-fi blocking paint? what will they come up with next?
public. you're beautiful & stuff like that
tuesday 27 march 2007
08:55 pm

i've been too stressed to write anything. sorry.
public. you're beautiful & stuff like that
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